Thankful...

Ahhh, Thanksgiving morning.  The dogs let me sleep in a little, it's peaceful, quiet, almost sunny, and lovely.  I whipped up toaster waffles and some "Betcha-Can't-Believe-it's-not-Bacon" for breakfast while streaming a little of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade from Times Square (with no chance of any silly-sappy commentary from Jim Nantz) and sat down with my cup of coffee.  (This is almost the definition of a perfect morning according to my version of Webster.)

Thanksgiving is one of my favorites.  Having a whole day to just be thankful is a real gift.  And the food isn't bad either!  One of my favorite Thanksgiving celebrations was being able to make a dinner for friends one year.  Three turkeys, 11 side dishes, 4 or 5 pies, and 12 pounds of mashed potatoes later it was a terrific day with lots of laughter in the company of some 30-40 terrific people.  Which is the whole point really.  Spend a little time with the people you care about, that's where the magic is.  And be Thankful!  And while Thanksgiving these days seems to require not much more than a pie from my kitchen, it still gives me the opportunity to reflect on how blessed I am.

True to form, I started thinking about what I was thankful for last night while in pie-making-mode for 3 hours.  I'll share with you the short list:  Thankful for the ability to get what I need to make a pie.  Thankful I have a job and people I work with that I enjoy most days.  Thankful that I'm on day 1 of a 4 day weekend with no chance of snow in the forecast.  Thankful that I like to make pie in the first place.  Thankful that I have a kitchen with enough room to contain that kind of mess.  Thankful for the patience and strength it takes to wrestle 2 cups of flour and 2 sticks of butter into a pie crust.  Thankful for the laugh provided by Jake stealing apple peel with the tenacity only found in the certainty that this is some kind of most-amazing and special treat.  Thankful that my dogs beg for fruits and vegetables and leave my "Betcha-Can't-Believe-it's-not-Bacon" alone.  Thankful that when I wake up in the morning I have 4 little eyes and 8 furry legs that are just overjoyed that I'm awake!  Thankful for the friends and family to share a pie with.  Thankful that my brother-in-law likes pie more than anything I could possibly ever purchase at The Sharper Image.  Thankful that when God handed out families I got a two-for-one deal with best friends too.  Thankful for girlfriends to laugh with and cry with and talk with and sit with.  Thankful for new friends and old friends.  Thankful for the joy in each of their lives.  Thankful for the chance to be a friend to each of them.  Thankful that my family is healthy.  Thankful that my friends are healthy.  Thankful that I'm healthy.  Thankful, Thankful, Thankful.  And oh so very Thankful  for you.

Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving!

May Your Day be Overflowing With Blessings (and Pie)!

Cleaning out the Storage Unit

This is a little "deeper" than I usually dive and if you're not willing to don the scuba I'll understand.

November seems to be a tough month.  The days are shorter, it's dark now before I get home.  It rains more.  It's always feels to me like it's the darkest month of the year.  And it seems so fitting that this November I found myself facing all the crap I'd shoved into a storage unit that I really wanted to forget about and ignore for a while... quite frankly ignore forever thank you very much.

Mind you this is not just your average storage unit, it's the one that we all have a key to where we shove the junk that hurts.  The stuff the bully said on the playground when we were kids, the crappy review from our first employer that we took too personally, the little bits of hurt and pain that we collect over a lifetime.  And every so often we find that we've shoved so much in we can't get the door shut anymore.  (Or every so often some well meaning soul opens the door looking for an extra blanket for the guest room.)

Then we find ourselves taking stock of what we're holding on to and determine if we should pack it away or just let it go.

Well, my time to purge showed up in November.  It started coming on as a general funk, I've been on edge for weeks (grumpy, a little overly sensitive and overly judgmental, generally uncomfortable and more reserved than usual), and showed up with tri colored post-it notes labeled "KEEP, STORE, and TOSS" after hearing a message on relationships that hit so close to home that had it been a grenade I'd be living in a refrigerator box under a bridge tonight.

I then proceeded to purchase a book that came highly recommended by a good friend.  I read it and came to the following:

"...pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly.  And if it's left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place."

And in that moment it all came rushing back.  All the "you are so stupid, you'll never learn", the "you're ruining my life", "you deserve to be alone", all the way to "this is all your fault" with all the horrible cuts and the horrible fear and the horrible guilt that came along for the ride.  I sat there and heard them all ring through my mind, watched my hands fall into my lap, and I wept.  And I knew in that moment that it was time.

For so long I'd held on to my last little bit of well-packed and sorted emotional collateral damage.  (Sure I had a little baggage left but it was at least a matching set and ridiculously durable.)  I'd stuffed it somewhere -behind several bridesmaid dresses and a pair of "skinny" jeans- in the back of a closet.  With a lock.  And a brick wall.  I'd held onto the belief that all the junk was true.  Held onto the belief that it was my fault.  Held onto the pain. 

There is a part of me that knows a little something about dealing with grief and managing pain.  And I believe that we cope with this in stages.  We are given what we can manage at the time we are able to handle it.  Over the last decade I've dealt with and managed more than I thought I could.  And now the worst bit that had been in the deepest place was being called up.  It was time.

In that moment, those words were the shock to my system I needed.  Over the next 48 hours I realized that over the last several weeks this moment had been orchestrated.  From the month to the book to the message that opened the door.  I made the conscious decision to lay it down and let it go.

What happened was nothing short of a crazy miracle.  As soon as I'd said it, the whole mess was gone, the hurt was gone, and I couldn't for the life of me manage to bring it back.  It's not that the memories are gone, but the shadows that came with the memories are gone.

The point in laying all of this out there is this:  I know there are a lot of people out there with the same storage unit that's a little overly-full at the moment.  The point is not to hold onto it and hide it have it be one more thing you move from place to place as you go through life.  Let yourself be open.  Be ready.  When it's time to lay it down and let it go, jump at the chance.

 And remember that you too were created to fly.

Great Surprises

So, my dad has finally retired.  And in an effort to avoid going completely stir-crazy in the first 10 days, my mother and he planned a trip to come and visit the sunny  south (or more specifically their offspring who live here).  The dates were finalized about 5 days prior to leaving when my brother was getting over his little visit from the H1N1 fairy and I was really looking forward to a quick visit with my parents starting Friday at about 4:30.

Naturally we talked a lot in the week leading up to their visit.  Updates on time-lines, where they're staying, how to get around the rockslide that closed the highway on the way to Tennessee.  Etc.  I even got an update from every state they passed through on the way down here, the flora and fauna from that region, approximate temperature and price of gasoline.  (Needless to say we all think that free mobile-to-mobile is a lifesaver.)

At any rate, after a Friday that felt like a Monday I was really looking forward to a little quality time with my parents.  Staying up late telling stories and enjoying quality Canadian beverages.  And, naturally,  thinking about how great it would be if everyone could be here and reminding myself that it's less than 6 weeks until Christmas (*insert collective gasp here*). 

So I get home a few minutes ahead of their arrival and went out with the dogs.  As I was walking back to the driveway, their car was there.  And as I came around the corner I heard the unmistakable shriek of "KIKI!!!!!" that only comes out of a very specific 4-year old little boy.

Apparently the look of shock was pretty priceless when Charlie launched himself at me like a Labrador.  I was about as speechless as I've ever managed to be (which clearly is a rarity).  Finding out that the whole family was in on it was just the best.  Even Charlie.  Having him inform me that every time "Grammy called I was verwy verwy qwuiet so you would be suprwised Kiki!"  was so fun!

Well anyone who knows me can tell you that I absolutely LOVE a good surprise.  I love surprises like a little kid loves a parade on their Birthday.  Even more than being the recipient of a good surprise I love creating good surprises.  The anticipation turns me into an instant 8-year old complete with the big grin and an infectious case of the giggles.  So for my family to work up getting Charlie to spend waaaaaaaaaay too many hours in a car, listen to him ask "are we there yet" for 14 hours, watch the Scooby-Doo DVD 12 times in a row, and dig raisins out of the back-seat for the next 3 months just to come and surprise me is really REALLY outstanding.

I got 24 hours with my parents and 24 hours of "Kiki, let's play catch.  Kiki, can I sleep next to your bed?  Kiki, I want to sit next to you.  Kiki, I want to ride in your car.  Kiki, let's race down the slide.  Kiki, let's run the bases.  Kiki, these fishsticks are reawlly reawlly good!"

And, the kid taught Jake (my no-patience-extra-determination-with-a-side-of-totally-lacking-self-control) to play fetch.  Talk about surprises!


Well, that's the news from here.  Off to plan the next great one :)