The Pros and Prose of a Real Live Christmas Tree

Ok, for those of you who have known where I live at any given holiday season over the last 12 years (I realize this is a moving target) can attest to the fact that I have typically sported a pretty dang snappy little fake tree.  That I can store with the lights on it.  A whopping 6' tall and barely 2' wide it is oh so convenient for storing, moving, and set up.  I bought that tree in 1998 (I kid you not) and hauled it home in the back seat of a 2-door Cutlass.  And for those keeping score at home, it has survived basements, flooding (at least twice), at least 4 dogs, and 14 moves.  And yes, it looks like it needs a cheeseburger.  Part of it's charm.

The love of my life, on the other hand, has never NOT had a real tree.  This being our first Christmas together, he was excited to kick off our fun old-fashioned Christmas by driving out to the country to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.  The Christmas Tree.

So, on a sunny, windy, chilly Saturday after Thanksgiving off we went to find our perfect tree.

We arrived at what the Real Tree Fans (or the RTF's) call a Christmas Tree Farm.  It was amazing.  There were at least a zillion trees, half the population of the tri-county area, and many dogs (I was unaware they where helpful in the choosing of a tree).  Anyway, we were thankful that they gave us a map.  We hiked through about 400 acres of heavily wooded forest up hill (both ways) for hours. 

And then we saw it.  Our tree. 

The angels sang, we snapped a couple of photos and began the process of cutting it down and hauling it back down the hill.  And naturally by we, I mean Justin cut it down and hauled it down the hill.  He is my hero after all.  He even had a saw so we didn't have to dig it out by the roots!

Once we had it down the hill, excess needles removed, sent through the Christmas Tree Shrink-Wrapper for transportation purposes, measured, weighed and paid for we headed home with our big green treasure.

Upon arriving home, the fun began.  We bring the tree stand and a tape measure to the living room.  Which is about the time Justin starts laughing.  Apparently when you have a 9' ceiling, you should not have a 9'4" tree.  And we're back to the sawing.  (Thankfully none of the neighbors asked us where we were going to put a tree that size.)  After a good deal of prep work (and sap) we get the tree upstairs to the living room and in the tree stand.

 

Do you think there's room for the angel?  That's going to be tricky.  At any rate, I give you...

Our first Christmas Tree!  Little full... lot of sap. 


Clearly we did potentially underestimate the size of our living room.  The tree is huge.  And then the decorating begins!  I begged to use the old-fashioned big ceramic bulbs on the tree this year.  Justin happily accommodated my request and painstakingly put 960 watts of fantastic lights on the tree (which only took a couple of hours).  And for those keeping score at home, that's 8 strings of lights!

After a full day of fresh air and tree-searching-trimming-lighting we opted to decorate on Day 2 of the weekend.  We combined all of our ornaments, which took about 5 hours to hang.  Added candy canes, tinsel, the partridge, and a squirrel.  Five hours later...

That there is a honey of a tree!

The first year of a Real Live Christmas Tree is a great success!  It really has added to our enjoyment of the holidays :)

Road Testing Rental Cars

Given that my (one of my) dream job descriptions (other than a corporate auditor of Goldman Sachs) would be a writer for Road & Track please indulge me.

It is known that in my present position I find myself traveling a decent bit.  And while traveling I am often at the mercy of Budget Rental for getting me from the airport to my destination over a matter of days.  And most times the good people of Budget do rather well and I have a car that I fit in, my luggage fits in, and still fits in a parking spot.  On my most recent work-related excursion with the help of the rental car desk I had the distinct honor (insert sarcasm here) of spending 3 days with a 2010 Kia Optima LX.  It was black.  And shiny.

Mind you I drive a 2000 Jeep Cherokee.  With 250,000 miles.  She is flirting with "Catastrophic Brake Failure" (or so I'm told) and on occasion she is a cranky old broad.  The Jeep and I have been together for nearly 8 years and it shows.  I know what every sigh, wheeze, and "I'm fine" really means and I have a tab with my mechanic (who is also "on-call" 24/7)

That being said, it's nice once in a while to drive something newer, faster, shiny-er and less dog hairy-er.  

So in a sea of grey 4-door mid-size sedans that appear to be government fleet leftovers, I'm assigned this lovely looking full-size sedan with satellite radio, brand new brakes, and more trunk space than a full-size pickup truck.

Unfortunately this was the end of it's good qualities.  With 175 horsepower and an inline FOUR (yes, four.  You can count the cylinders on one hand!) it accelerates best in a downhill application.  You get 0-60 in about 2 minutes or so (no risk of spilling your beverage).  However as soon as you reach your first 0.04% grade the beast down-shifts, howls, protests, flips you the bird and crests the top (26 feet later) 10 mph slower than where you started at the bottom.  Let me tell you what, the Appalachian mountain foothills were a riot!  I think we got passed by a kid on a scooter, my great aunt in her walker and a pack mule.

Another lovely thing we noticed anytime we managed to break 55 mph was the decided lack of insulation.  Not only was she slow, but Sweet Grandmothers Spatula she was loud!  We were able to identify the aggregate content of every type of pavement we encountered.  When we did encounter a tad bit of gravel it sounded as though we were off-road.  And not "park-on-the-grass-while-tailgating-at-a-home-game-off-road" but "racing-though-the-desert-past-lizards-rally-race-style-off-road".  

While the interior was nicely appointed, the ventilation system lacked what those of us with any common sense would deem "good design".  On a warm day your best shot for some cool air was to drive at night with your head out the window as the vents on the drivers side were blocked by the steering wheel no matter what you did to adjust the wheel, the seat, the vents, or your head.  We contemplated just removing the steering wheel altogether (since the stereo controls were also so touchy every time you turned left you tuned in a live session of congress) we ultimately decided we might have better luck getting home with the darn thing attached.

We also came to the conclusion that this car was not designed for road trips.  Unless you spend your days sitting on aluminum bleachers.  After 90 minutes of sitting we were numb from the waist down.  This could be a low cost alternative to an epidural for any woman in labor, just ride around for a couple of hours and you won't feel a thing!

On the up-side, it had great brakes.  Compared to a 2000 Jeep with 250,000 miles on it on the verge of "Catastrophic Brake Failure" (or so I'm told).

Overall, the radiator did not explode, the tires did not blow out, and no one stole it.  C-

(Pretty sure the background is moving... this car doesn't go this fast)