New Meanings for Old Sayings

Personally I find it pretty funny these days when people share these little "pearls" of wisdom with you. As if somehow a teeny little sentence has the power to fix whatever conundrum you find yourself in the middle of. In theory, almost all of these are valuable tidbits of advice. I just find it entertaining to have a little fun at their expense...


"What goes around comes around."

The only thing this really applies to is the solar system. And Merry-Go-Rounds. And traffic circles in London.
The Old Meaning: If you show kindness to others it will be returned to you.
The New Meaning: If you show kindness to others it will be returned to you if in fact you're riding a Merry-Go-Round at the same time. Showing kindness and compassion to your fellow man does not mean that, in fact, your mortgage company will show it to you, although this could be because they are not, in fact, human...

"Fight fire with fire"

Usually even the fire department uses water. And they're usually pretty good at their job. Just a thought. (The exception to this appears to be wildfires in California... I hear they are fighting fire with fire there... I'll be working on a revision to this)


"Don't count your chickens before they've hatched"

What? Since when are we counting chickens? I don't know anyone who even has chickens anymore.
I propose an edit: "Don't count your millions before you've scratched".


"People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones"

Having never personally known anyone who ever lived in a glass house, I'm a little confused by this. The only glass "houses" I've ever come across are now on the historic register and no one lives in them.


"Many hands make light work"

Here's another misconception. Many hands make for an overcrowded kitchen, a case of claustrophobia, and invite an anger management issue. After all "too many cooks spoil the soup". This is a whole other story... if you have any fondness for soup anyway.

"Where there's a will there's a way"

Really? Where?

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink"

To this I will say, clearly you've not spent much time around a horse. Getting him to quit drinking, get in a cab, and go home is the real trick.


"Rome wasn't built in a day"

Yes, but with a population of around 35,000 it could have been if they would have laid off the BBQ & beer all afternoon...

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

Interesting theory, but with the introduction of modern technology, absence has gone the way of the abacus. Text messages and IM have reduced "absence" to mere minutes... And if you can't live without someone for 20 minutes, you need to watch "Fatal Attraction" again.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

If this was true I'd be bench pressing a city bus. Which would be unsettling on multiple levels yet probably do a lot for my career in the circus. The proposed revision: "What doesn't kill me had better run pretty damn fast."


"God helps those who help themselves"

Total crap. Clearly invented by a retired Sunday School teacher of Junior High kids.


"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth"

Again, having spent a little time around horses, I would not recommend looking any horse in the mouth. They tend to not keep appointments with their dental hygienist.

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again"

You bet! Unless it's skydiving... or trying to navigate a traffic circle in London.


"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"

Hmmm, since I'm not a huge fan of the bird flu, I'd just as soon not be encouraging one to crap in my hand. I don't think even Purell could save you...


"Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free"

I've got 3 words for you: Mad Cow Disease. You may just want to avoid livestock altogether.